(theme music playing)
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~
I'm a pterodactyl.
Maria, now that you're never doing stand-up anymore,
I have some wonderful opportunities for you from overseas.
I said I didn't wanna use stand-up as a device in the show.
I'm still gonna do it in my life.
- Yes, I understand completely. - Yeah, okay, good.
- We're on the same page. - Great. Good.
You want to do stand-up, no more commercials.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
So, then you'd be open to looking at some commercials?
- Sure. - Wonderful.
This is their current campaign.
Now, just imagine yourself in this.
Input one or two, Chantrelle?
Input two!
(dramatic music playing)
- (yelling) - (screaming)
(meowing)
(lasers firing)
- (sneezing) - Spices...
(farting)
Flavors...
Self a-steam!
(speaking Japanese)
Huh? More for me!
Pussy Noodle with the self a-steam.
(yelling)
Pussy Noodle!
So, they want you to be the face of the new campaign. They assured me,
many, many times,
- it's going to be much more violent. - It's a definite no.
Too close to your act?
It is not in any way related to my act.
- You're saying that's a pass? - Yes!
(laughs)
I'll make note to myself, "As per Maria, too close to act."
You know what? I gotta go. I've gotta get out of a date.
You're good at that. Nobody says no like you.
Look, Bruce meant well... I think.
But I've learnt to be cautious.
His past career choices for me haven't always been so great.
Like the time he insisted I could improvise on a network sitcom.
Baby on Board is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Here's your coffee, Mr. Sir,
Mr. Sir, Mr. Sir,
And for the tiniest Mr. Sir,
your formula...
for success!
(baby in gruff voice) Formula? I want fresh milk!
But I hope you got a cow in the back,
'cause you're getting nothin' out of those two dustbags.
Come on, fellas, am I right?
(all laughing)
Just because you're a baby doesn't make that okay.
(audience) Ooh!
You're just an adorable representation of misogyny.
Let's lock you in a room for 12 hours with no food and you'd be
begging for these slammin' mammary jammers.
(audience laughing)
And what about you?
You okay with this? Hiding your sexist agenda
behind these cute, chubby cheeks?
I got no problem with this baby.
He's caught in the system, and that,
my tiny little friend...
is the banality of evil!
Hannah Arendt, look it up!
(crying)
- That's a cut. Moving on. - (bell rings)
Get the guns and weapons ready for the sock hop scene.
One take. (squeals softly)
That's so great. Yes, yeah, yes!
- Ah, wow. (laughing) - Oh, my gosh.
It was dynamite. How'd you feel?
I felt great. And you were right about ad-libbing.
It's like I can be in a dumb, sexist show, but Trojan-horse it, you know?
Criticize from within.
That's it. You spoke the truth to power.
- Yeah! - And power fired you.
What? They fired me? Why?
To quote them exactly,
they said they hate everything about you.
They hate your humor and your physicality,
and your stupid fucking face.
Oh. Okay. So, I'm fired. I can go home?
No. I wouldn't let 'em get away with that.
I said you're gonna stay and finish out the day. (chuckles)
Oh, cool. (laughing nervously)
Yeah.
Okay.
- Maria! - Karen! Hi.
I heard you got Baby on Board.
I rep Camden, the little fucking baby. He's a real piece of shit.
- How's it goin'? - I just got fired. Bruce worked it
so that I can stay and finish my scenes.
(yells) What? That gimpy thundercunt.
Making you work after you got shitcocked? God!
- (thudding) - (groans)
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Here's 100 bucks. This never happened.
I get so upset when people I love get taken advantage of.
I'd say Bruce fucked you if he wasn't so dickless.
I wish I was your representative, not your best friend.
I just have so many goddamn clients.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna make room for you.
I'm gonna sign the shit out of you.
- (gasping) - I'm gonna get you on board, baby.
(laughs) See what I did there?
- I just spun it. - Really? I'd love
- for you to represent me. - That's great news! Know what?
Helen Hunt's a survivor. She'll land on her feet.
- You represent her? - Not anymore.
(sighing and laughing)
Welcome. Come on, I'm a hugger.
- (Karen laughing) - (Maria sobbing)
I'll end up regretting that decision,
which is how I learned to say no and is why I have to cancel my date.
Because as much fun as it sounds to date a bisexual meth head,
I just wasn't ready for it.
I have so much things to go over with you, assistant-wise.
Actually, I have something
- I need... - Quick confirm.
Shane wants to meet at 7:30.
That's what we need to talk about.
Oh, and FYI, I'm trying out a new nickname.
I did some numerology work for myself.
And it turns out La-La is a better number name for me.
- Larissa, listen... - It's La-La.
Okay, La-La, listen.
I don't want to go out with Shane
and I need you to cancel the date.
I just got back in town
and I'm trying to be more selective about the choices I'm making
and you say he's a meth addict.
Former meth addict. I think they prefer the term "tweaker."
- And he's bisexual. - The total package.
That's totally cool he's bisexual. No judgment.
It's just... it may be a little too complicated.
Too much for me right now. I can't do it.
I was just trying to help out my friend Shane,
the brother of my Reiki teacher Lilith,
who happens to be going through a super shitty time.
But what do I know? I mean, who am I to assist anyone?
And also I know you don't like my new nickname.
I La-La love it.
Oh, my God, that was so forced. It's pathetic.
You know what? Today just might end with me having a peanut.
No. You'll go into anaphylactic shock.
Isn't that what everyone wants?
- No! - For me to stop breathing?
- Yes! - I'll go out with him.
Okay, great.
7:30, Switch Hitters.
- Switch Hitters? - Yes, Maria.
Get ready to swallow...
(chuckles) delicious food!
- (all laughing) - (groans)
It looks like I crumbled there.
But that's not what happened. I just don't like conflict.
It's only one date. How bad could it be?
A handshake, a smile, and it's over. Just like high school.
Shane. Hi.
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
- Maria. Hi. I'm Shane. - Oh, my gosh. Wow.
Nice to meet you.
(chuckling nervously) Wow.
I know what you were thinking.
Asking you to go to a place like Switch Hitters...
"I don't wanna date a crazy baseball guy."
(both laughing)
So, Larissa says that you think you're really funny
and you have a lot of mental illness.
That's how she described me?
- Yeah. - Wow.
You must feel pressure to be funny all the time.
Not really.
Yeah. Comedians don't always have to be on,
but you also wanna give more than Rob Reiner.
Not to trash an ex.
Rob Reiner is an ex?
Ex-client. I used to be a trainer.
- Oh, okay. - He never wiped down a machine.
(both laughing)
I don't know if Larissa told you I've been through a tough time.
- Yeah. - I can't remember
the last time I was straight in a restaurant.
Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that. How does that work?
Well, mostly I take it in my mouth.
Sometimes, I get in the shower, get all hot and sit on it.
In a pinch, I snort it.
Oh. Oh!
I thought Larissa told you I had a drug problem...
Yes. Yes.
Which led to some reckless behavior.
- Specifically with men. - Yeah.
No need to explain. I totally get it.
I did a lot I'm not proud of because of meth.
But that's the past. That's not who I am.
If it bothers you, I totally understand.
Well... I've been in a psych ward three times in the past year.
And that does not define me.
That's what I hate, when people think that's all you are.
- Yeah. - Addiction is an illness.
I am not my illness.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
(chuckles)
You know what? It's so funny.
I was gonna cancel this date but I am... so glad I didn't.
I'm so glad you didn't, too.
(both laughing)
Here was a great guy that I almost missed out on,
because of a gut decision.
Maybe my gut is still off.
I went to look for the one person I should be trusting more.
A guy I pay to know what's right for me.
Bruce!
Hey!
Bruce?
Bruce!
(Bruce groans)
Bruce!
Bruce! (stammers)
Why are you running?
(panting) Maria... I'm so glad it's you. I thought it was security.
I've been calling myself a drive-on as Cheryl Tiegs for 27 years.
They're bound to catch me.
Bruce, I owe you an apology.
I just had this great date with a guy
who I thought was all wrong for me, or so I thought.
And who, pray tell, was this gentleman caller?
Well, he's a formerly meth-fueled bisexual,
now straight and straight.
I'm certainly in no position to be judging that gentleman.
You should have seen me back in the '80s.
(gasping) You were on meth?
No, I played a homeless street drummer on Fall Guy.
Wow.
It just got me thinking, what else have I been saying no to?
Did I walk away too quickly from Pussy Noodle?
And what about wedge shoes and those culottes
that... sag?
I can't speak to the culottes,
but I am super-jazzed about your excitement
for Noodles du Pussay.
You know what? I'll do it.
(sighs) Thank you. Victory! (laughing)
- Bruce, have we ever hugged? - Yes. Uh, August 3rd, 2006.
Oh...
How about we go for number two?
Sure!
(both laughing)
Oh. Okay, that felt right.
I'm a work-in-progress.
I realized I didn't have to have everything figured out.
That's what family
- and friends were for. - Thank you for coming
to the Bamford family meeting!
Maria, don't do that. I'm having bladder trouble.
- No Moon Pie after 5:00 p.m., mister. - Hey.
I got your shears in my trunk.
- Susan! How are you? - Hey!
What's the haps, gang?
I have no idea. Maria's called a family meeting.
And you're family, so get your keister over here!
- (laughing) - Yes, you are.
Family meeting come to order!
Maria, don't do that. I'm gonna have to change my drawers.
- I'll change 'em for you. - Joel, you perv!
Okay, guys, that's it! Guys! Focus, concentrate!
Whoo! I had a major breakthrough in music therapy.
I don't need to go to outpatient therapy
because I am the C-word, I am cured!
I don't have to go back again! Thank you!
Hon-bun bear, did Janice actually say that to you?
Not with words.
But with song, I give you the gift of music!
What's happening here?
(Susan scoffs)
Welcome to the Bamdford Family Bamd...
(deep voice) with Susan!
Uh, it's misspelled!
It's wordplay.
Oh, Maria! Susan, get her to stop!
- Stop! - (both chuckling)
Come on, let's start playing! (grunting)
Now hold on, bean!
We're as excited as heck for your breakthrough,
but you've been in outpatient recovery for something like...
- four days? - Yeah.
- Two weeks! - Oh, my God!
And I'm cured. I feel it in my gut!
And I can cure you guys.
- Well... - Yeah!
Let's have fun with this! And we gotta practice fast
because we have a gig on Friday at the VA.
- Oh, jeez. - Okay?
- Yes! - Let's be good and become well!
- Okay, I get it. - Come on, that's it!
Now the floodgates have opened. Okay.
I have to change.
- Give me an E, okay? - E?
(indistinct conversations)
- Come on, Dad! It's showtime! - I can't do this. I can't go out there.
- Why not? - Stage fright. I can't breathe.
I thought that went away, but it's the Navy all over again.
That's why you need music.
Once you lose yourself in the ones and twos, everything will be fine.
- What if it's not? - Let's talk this through.
What's the worst that can happen?
I throw up in the drums and puke on my shoes.
And then what?
Everybody laughs at me, my dermatology business fails,
Marilyn leaves me. I die alone.
- Then what? - Well, I'm dead.
Exactly. Nothing to lose. Trust me!
Lose yourself in the rhythm of the night! (screams softly)
Okay.
(whooping)
One, two, three, five!
(rock music playing)
♪ We got corn-fed women ♪
♪ Farm girl sinnin' ♪
♪ 'Bout to drive you out of your mind ♪
♪ Hay-balin' fella ♪
♪ Gonna take you to the cella ♪
♪ Give you what you're aching to find ♪
♪ If you wanna know where to go ♪
♪ Head on north To the land of snow ♪
♪ Minnesota rockin' Minnesota rockin' ♪
(singing indistinctly)
♪ 'Sota rockin' ♪
(singing indistinctly)
(sobbing)
- Maria? Maria. - Whoa.
Honey? What's going on? Are you okay?
(feedback)
What's going on?
I'm not cured. I think I need more help, Mom.
All right, sweetie. I got your wing, okay?
Okay, here we go.
Unfortunately, we've had an unexpected change.
So, let's wrap this up with a loving doxology.
♪ Praise God from whom all blessings flow ♪
♪ Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost ♪
♪ Amen, Amen ♪
♪ Amen ♪
Okay, sweetie, let's get you into that Dodge Caravan.
Come on.
Wellness is a process.
I just have to take things slowly with Shane.
Welcome to Aseriacene.
There are no specials. Everything's on the menu.
My name's Dave. The less you know about me, the better.
And seriously, you're not gonna hear a lot from the waiters.
Okay.
I've walked past a million times,
but I've never actually been in Aseriacene before.
Well, it suits you.
Thank you.
I was almost in a serious scene on West Wing, but I got fired.
Well, I know that feeling. When I was jacked on meth,
I got fired all the time.
I almost killed Rob Reiner twice while doing squat spots.
FYI, you cannot lift a 375 pound man on meth.
I'm not being fair. That was a good week for him.
He was more like 349.
But for all the bad stuff...
you know what's weird?
I miss the meth.
That's not weird at all. I miss the energy of mania.
I may have been contemplating suicide 18 hours a day,
but my baseboards were spotless.
What I don't miss about meth
is waking up with some strange man in my bed.
It's funny because I get in trouble if I don't take my meds,
but you get in trouble if you do.
(both laughing)
Oh, God, I love to laugh.
Do you worry about relapsing?
All the time.
If I use meth again, I'd end up with a random cock in my mouth.
(inhaling)
No carbs.
I haven't been dating in so long
and I just can't trust my instincts anymore.
I should let you know, I can't come home with you tonight.
I'm just... still a little vulnerable
and I'm trying to take things pretty slowly.
I'm totally cool with that.
Ready to order?
Yes. Quick question. Do you have crabs?
Yes, I do. They're delicious.
Oh, what a terrific date.
I made the right choice to not sleep with Shane.
Taking it slow.
That's the prudent course.
Good for me! (chuckles)
(switches on radio)
Thanks for tuning in.
Today we're talking about Maria Bamford's date
from ten minutes ago.
- Ooh. - Why is it good to wait, Maria?
It sounds like fear to me.
Maybe you can't trust your instincts.
Yeah, I really can't. (chuckles)
Oh, sack up, Maria, and sleep with Shane.
You're on your 17th date.
What? No, we're on our second. It's only been our second date.
It might as well be your 17th, the way you feel about him.
That's true, but...
(sighs) I just...
We haven't had a commitment yet. I just don't feel safe.
Don't you have one of those relationship agreements
in one of your workbooks? Shane could sign that.
Yes. I do... and he could!
That would make me feel more safe about this.
Great. Now go get him, tiger.
And use a goddamn condom. He is bisexual.
And the meth, Jesus Christ!
I'm Jean Bart, and this has been Convenient Devices.
Next up, Secret Lives of the Moth.
- Oh... I'm turning it off. - (channel switches)
Jean Bart was right. It was time to sleep with Shane.
I am a woman, damn it, and I am ready.
That's it!
I'm going after my man!
(tires screeching)
(country music playing on radio)
(gasps) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
He's back on meth. Oh, my God.
- This is an intervention! - Whoa!
Shane! Shane, I'm here.
And you!
Get that mouth a bus ticket and ride it right out of Dicktown.
He's an addict. He doesn't know what he's doing.
- Get out! - What's going on here?
Get out! But take care.
Maria. What are you doing here?
Trying to keep you safe from meth.
I'm not on meth. I'm bisexual.
I thought you were bisexual because of meth.
- What does that even mean? - Okay.
I'm a recovering meth addict. I'm a current cock addict.
Oh! I'm having lots of complicated feelings right now.
I thought you were going home.
I was, but then, I was feeling so comfortable on our date,
and I thought I'm holding myself back.
I thought, what is fear? False evidence appearing real.
I don't want to fuck everything and run.
I wanna face everything and recover.
I grabbed my workbook. I thought we could go through it.
And then maybe I... You could...
sign something. We could spend the night.
But now I feel weird, and I bid you goodnight.
Maria...
I thought you were cool with bisexuals.
No, I am. I'm LGBTQ, exclamation point.
It's just that I saw you with another person.
- The waiter? - Yeah.
He means nothing to me. That's just sport.
I don't do this in a committed relationship.
I mean, do you wanna be in a committed relationship?
Yes.
What the hell is this?
- Are you kidding me, Shane? - God!
Gabriel.
Who is that?
I might as well admit it. I have a boyfriend.
Gabriel's my boyfriend.
What about the other guy?
I was cheating on Gabriel. I'd never do that to you.
- You're the only woman in my life. - Oh.
- (cell phone chimes) - Shit.
- A text from Gabriel. - He's texting from the bathroom?
Ew! What does he say?
"Who is he?" Oh, God, he thinks you're a man.
That make sense. He'd be fine if you were a woman.
- I am a woman. - I know that.
It's Gabriel you have to convince.
- (knocking) - Gabriel.
- Who's there? - (stutters) Orange.
- Orange, who? - Orange, you glad I have a vagina?
- Just go away, you guys. - I'm not a guy.
I can show you my south mouth, if you come out.
- Oh, pull your pants up. - Okay.
- Gabriel... - Hi. I'm Maria.
Enchantée. Thank you so much for the pastries.
- Shane, what the fuck is your problem? - What's your problem? She's a woman.
- She'll show you her snootch. - Yes.
Shane, you stupid fuck!
I don't give a shit if this is a man, or a woman,
or a fucking Samoyed Husky mix.
Hey, not cool! (whines)
We have our relationship.
She's my woman relationship.
I'm bisexual.
That's not what it means.
I know exactly what you're going through.
'Cause I just went through it myself.
3 minutes ago, I walked in on Shane being blown by our baby waiter.
You got blown by a waiter?
Barely. He had just gotten started.
I deserve more.
Shane... you and I are over.
Oh.
This guy's a piece of shit. Are you gonna stay with him?
Oh, come on! Where's your self-esteem, Maria?
Okay.
You know what's funny about this?
I started this show thinking that I couldn't trust my gut
when I didn't want to go out with a bisexual addict,
or do a violent, castrating Japanese ramen commercial.
But now I am forced to trust my gut
and make a decision on my own.
On my own!
What will it be, Maria? We are all waiting.
You make choice now?
- Who are you? - I am the host.
(upbeat music playing)
Shane here wants to have pussy and noodle.
But there must be a decision.
Maria...
will you offer pussy to Shane?
Well... I used to put all my trust in Karen Grisham.
- That didn't work out. - (buzzer buzzes)
Then I put all my trust in Bruce,
- and that of course didn't work either. - (buzzer buzzes)
Now I have to put my trust in myself... and that is scary.
So... my decision is...
Shane...
I will...
not give you my pussy.
- (audience gasps) - Because I have
self a-steam.
- Pussy Noodles! - (all cheering)
Maria, you did it!
You have self-esteem!
You make win!
Yay!
(choir singing) ♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪
♪ More than half of the time ♪
(rock music playing)
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~